Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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