I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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