i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
