my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
not ubering you a puppy
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
