Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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