ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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