I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
