I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
