you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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