Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
