That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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