Me. At least after what I've been through.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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