wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
The best revenge is premature balding
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
