I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
