I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
