Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
