Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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