so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
