i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
