You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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