Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize