My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have tasted many bathrooms
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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