Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
