3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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