WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
