I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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