My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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