The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
