Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
