he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize