john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
