The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
