i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
