Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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