Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize