I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
