im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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