with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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