I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sober January is a disaster.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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