Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I want a musical about memes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
