I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
