Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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