I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
ugly people sure do ruin things
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
