:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
