you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
