Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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