I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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