just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
