I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
