it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
now i know why i became what i already was.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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