the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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