i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
