He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
