you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
