when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
