umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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