I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
