Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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