Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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