I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
